Archive for the ‘Stupidities’ Category.

Short Thoughts on Easter Monday

  • I am not smarter than a 10 year old.  On the other hand, I can quite easily beat one in a fight and I can get served in pubs.  So who wins now, eh?
  • Google may be far more evil than Microsoft and Apple put together.  But they have convinced us otherwise.  Which doubles their evil.
  • Our politicians do, indeed, think we are stupid.  Unfortunately we prove them right every election day.
  • My tolerance for noise seems to decrease every year.  By the time I am 60 I won’t be happy unless I am living in one of those sensory deprivation things.
  • In just under 5 weeks I am getting married.  And then am having 4 weeks off work to recove.. I mean enjoy my honeymoon.
    • The spammers are going to love the fact that I am off - comments may get disabled for that period….
  • I have so many ideas for great novels.  if only I had the time, skill, knowledge and patience to do something about it.
  • Britain needs more public holidays.  Or at least, better spaced out holidays.
  • Every year is the year of the apocalypse.  Why can’t they get it right?  Who do I complain to and can I get a refund?
  • I have too many scruples.  This means I can’t get rich by fleecing the public.  I need a scruplectomy.
  • The traditional British spring weather is rainy.  Unfortunately, so is the traditional British summer, autumn and winter weather.

I hope these thoughts give you as much pleasure as they do me.

December - A Survival Guide

Yes.  It’s that time of year again - for the nth consecutive time in a row you have achieved your goal of getting to the end of the year without sitting in a clock tower muttering to yourself as you reload your rifle.  But don’t relax just yet!  Staying on your guard during the twelfth month could mean the difference between gritting your teeth and sticking with your soulless existence and being taken out by a police marksman as you flee the scene.

So how do you cope with December?  Well, faking your own death is harder nowadays what with DNA testing and the internet so thats not always an option.  The days of a clean fake death are over and you will need to sacrifice another human being to make sure you leave a body.  Pro-tip: pick a part of society where there are both lots of them and they won’t be missed: Members of Parliament are plentiful but not always available, so scout out your nearest reality TV studio for ideas.

After the jump, I will be providing you with a list of dos and don’ts which will enable you to get all the way to the end with only minimal mental anguish:

Do: avoid the shops like the plague.  Not only will they pump continual Christmas songs at you, they will try to part you from your money in the most painful way possible.

Don’t: go shopping alone.  If you ignore the first tip, make sure you go as a team. Not only will you be able to fight back in the stores, the resultant pub crawl will last that bit longer.

Do: wear warm clothing.  Remember, if you are from the South your blood is thin and watery and you will feel very poorly.  Only the Northerner has built up the necessary resistance to be able to venture outside.  Call in sick and avoid the cold.

Don’t: watch TV at all during this month.  While those shiny goods with flashing lights will look tempting, the shops are only selling them because they don’t want them.  And neither does anyone else.  They only want the space on the shelves to sell Easter Eggs next year.  And your money.  Don’t be fooled.

Do: stock up on tinned food and other non-perishables, like alcohol.  The Apocalypse is predicted, don’t be the only one not ready.  On the same note, don’t forget your extra rounds and landmines - the ravening hordes will be after your food and blood, keep them both safe.

Don’t: be a member of the wrong religion should the Apocalypse occur.  I have no idea which religion is right, but will you look daft if you’re not a member.

Do: remember that while lakes of blood look good to drink when all the water has turned to sand, it may not be.  Boil the blood before drinking it to ensure it’s cleanliness.

Don’t: approach any animals unless you are sure they are dead.  Attacking one of the four horsemen’s modes of transport will be both embarrassing and painful.  It will also make you very dead.

Do: avoid any pits of lave or passages to Hell that open up in front of you.  Both will result in very nasty burns.

Don’t: ignore any prophecies coming from the seemingly insane.  This could mean the difference between a set of wings and a white robe and eternal damnation.

Above all, have fun, stay safe and don’t get between me and the Rapture!

I Know How You Got Here!

Inspired by Stevo’s post on Wonderful Search Terms and hoping to jump on the internet meme bandwagon, here are the top 20 searches for this site.

Firstly, I know what the number one search term for this site is and I know it without checking.  I find it fantastic that particular search term brings so many people in and I think I am about to up it’s searchability!

So, without further ado, here is the list of the top 20 according to Woopra (searching via Google - text and image search), with comments:

  • lesbians - yep, the top slot again!
  • Lesbians - and also the number 2 slot
  • kubuntu 8.04
  • kmymoney windows
  • slackware fonts
  • humour
  • slackware review
  • freecom network drive linux
  • kmymoney for windows
  • blog voyeur - can’t recall if this was an actual post or just wishful thinking
  • spam karma wordpress 2.6
  • lesbians having sex - gotcha again!
  • customer service words
  • forer effect
  • LESBIANS - big lesbians? or just shouting lesbians?
  • lesbianism - no comment
  • freecom 29013
  • slackware reviews
  • voyeur blog - I do hope that this isn’t a real type of blog.  But then again, Rule 34….
  • wordpress logo

And, for balance and sanity, the top 20 keyword searches:

  • lesbians - dagnabbit
  • slackware
  • kubuntu
  • wordpress
  • linux
  • freecom
  • network
  • kmymoney
  • drive
  • 8.04
  • debian
  • amarok
  • for - who the hell searches for this and thinks it will be useful?
  • windows
  • the - and again
  • install
  • blood
  • how - and again
  • 2.6.2
  • with - good grief

So, time to crack out my honeypot tags again.  In case you’re interested, “sex with donkeys” was also a search term, but it was too low on the chart to be listed.  I would imagine the searcher was really disappointed when he (and you know it was a he) go here.

So, what are your top search terms?

It’s Safe to Insult Certain People. Apparently.

Coverage of the recent Olympics has made me realise that despite the fact that Political Correctness is widespread and pretty much ingrained in Western society, there are still 2 groups of people that we can still be patronising and rude to without any comebacks. I don’t know if this is a loophole or whether the groups aren’t deemed worthy of our protection. Oh, and before I go any further, use this at your own risk! I am not liable for any damage you receive…..

This whole thing was prompted because of a cheesy BBC slot. A reporter was asking the locals in Beijing whether they recognised certain London landmarks - Big Ben being the main one. None of the people on camera could name them. Cue the reporter looking at the camera with a wry look. Oh dear, people in China can’t recognise landmarks from a city more than 5000 miles away. Those ignorant Chinese people! But let’s flip that around. I’m relatively intelligent and know things about foreign countries. I doubt I could recognise any landmark from China apart from the Great Wall and maybe the Forbidden City. Does that make me mockable? Would anyone in China reading this be rolling about the floor in tears because the ignorant round eye doesn’t have an encyclopedic knowledge of their places of interest? Or would they, and I think this is more likely, just say “OK” and forget about it? Because it doesn’t matter and I’m sure the Chinese have better things to do with their time than memorise landmarks. Unless there’s a Chinese version of Jeopardy, of course.

Secondly, and this really really annoys me, is the use of a short phrase which is employed to encompass a whole range of people. “Simple folk/people”. As in “I would love to live in a rural area among the simple folk”. This isn’t restricted to the UK and is used to describe people in small villages/towns and rural areas. Basically, using it means that those people couldn’t possibly understand the horrible pressures that traders and bankers and accountants have in the City, because life is so much easier in the country. Let’s forget that farms are going to the wall every day and that suicide rates among the farming community are on the rise because farmers are seeing their livelihoods disappear and land held in their families for generations are being sold so the family can survive. Forget the bankruptcies and having to negotiate the minefield that claiming subsidies entails. Forget the fact that abattoirs are closing regularly and new regulations mean that farmers have restrictions on transporting the animals to be slaughtered so end up with a lot of dead livestock rotting on their lands. Their lives are just so simple.

Now what I find really weird, is that if anyone was to use similar epithets about non-white people in your own country, the racism tag is brought out.  We aren’t allowed to point out that a lot of immigrants don’t speak English (or French, or German or whichever local language in whichever country) and we can’t use euphemisms - look at the furore around describing Barack Obama as “articulate”.  But it’s fine to insult people of a foreign country while they are still in that country and it’s fine to put down whole communities.

Now, I fully accept that this has been percolating in my brain for a while and that I’m probably blowing this up ut of all proportion.  As I have said before, this site is mostly here for the purposes of me getting random thoughts out of my head.  But does this not massively smack of double standards?  Implying that Chinese people in China are ignorant is fine, but doing the same for Chinese immigrants isn’t?  Do they become worthy of protection once they enter the borders (does this make them “one of us”?) but they’re on their own if they choose to stay in their own countries?  Is it fine to call rural communities “simple” but not to call immigrant communities simple?  Where do Political Correctness and racism separate?  Am I the only one who has noticed this and do I need to lie down somewhere for a while?

Schrödinger’s Pants

Schrödinger’s Cat: A cat, along with a flask containing a poison, is placed in a sealed box Box itten is Amusedshielded against environmentally induced quantum decoherence. The flask is shattered, releasing the poison, if a Geiger counter detects radiation. Quantum mechanics suggests that after a while the cat is simultaneously alive and dead, in a quantum superposition of coexisting alive and dead states. Yet when we look in the box we expect to see the cat either alive or dead, not in a mixture of alive and dead.

I’m working at home this week and probably next week. Which means that I am simultaneously in a state of either wearing pants or not wearing pants. So if anyone phones me, remember that I may be answering in a serious tone of voice, but I may not be properly dressed.

A Few Random Jottings

None of these things is worth a full post on it’s own. So here are some random thoughts:

  • Recycling - until the council forced us to seperate our rubbish out I had thought that a collection every two weeks wasn’t enough. Now I realise that 75% of our rubbish is paper/cardboard so two weeks seems about right.
  • Do we trust computers too much? I rarely check my receipts because I trust the counting and arithmetic skills of the cash till. Would anyone notice if the supermarket added in one more item? And how much would that get them in profit if they did it to everyone?
  • Why is it that with hundreds of channels to choose from, I find that I watch less and less TV? And why is so much of it absolute crap reality TV? (rhetorical)
  • Why can’t trains in this country be adequately cooled in hot weather? Going from a pleasant summer breeze to a sauna in a suit is unpleasant.
  • Why do people walk so bloody slowly and randomly when i want to get from A to B?
  • What goes up a chimney down, but can’t go down a chimney up?