Posts tagged ‘london’

Things That Make You Go “Grrrrr” – Part 2

God, what a flipping week.  The first thing that got my blood boiling was that some scumbags decided that it would be a great idea to break into a locked area and try to steal electrical cables.  Or whatever was stored in the secure area.  So these utter fucking geniuses took their boltcutters and their oxy-acetylene torch and set fire to a bunch of cables that cut the power to a whole area of North Kent (Dartford up to Welling).  Yep, 2 days without power – no shower, hot drinks, hot meals (thankfully we have a gas barbecue) or anything else produced after 1908.  Bastards.

Secondly, my place of work is in the area of London covered by Southwark Council.  Obviously, their tea budget has run out because some genius had the bright idea of sending around the cigarette police.  Yep, if you do anything with your butt apart from put it in a not very conveniently located ashtray/bin or in one of those plastic pouches to go into your pocket, you can get a £50 or £75 fine (that’s $82/$123 or 58/87 euros).  They don’t advise you that wankers are operating in your area, they wait till the fag end hits the ground and then, in a move reminiscent of a mugging, a group of them surround you.  How in the name of Jeebers do they describe their day to their friends?  were these people not allowed to become prefects or hall monitors at school?

Now that’s off my chest, back to your regular programming.

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The Ten London Transport Commandments

See them, read them, understand them and apply them to your everyday lives. Particularly if you travel in London.

1) Thou shalt walk whenever possible, but always from Charing Cross to Embankment.

2) Thou shalt have thine Oyster Card in thine hand when thou reachest the ticket barriers, and not stand there, rummaging through thine bag for five minutes, like a tool.

3) Thou shalt not consume fragrant foodstuffs or alcohol, unless thou art a vagrant.

4) Thou shalt attend to personal hygiene. In particular, if thou hast been wassailing heartily the night before, thou shalt take special care to brush thine teeth in the morning.

5) Thou shalt talk quietly, or not at all, on thine mobile phone when on the bus – nobody else wants to hear who Emma did last night or how much Liam spent on his sodding shoes. Furthermore, thou shalt endeavour to stop those who wish to share their choice of music on loudspeaker, even though thou
risketh being stabbed till thou art dead.

6) Thou shalt not whistle.

7) Thou shalt not press the “open” button on tube doors as this is the mark of the tourist.

8) Thou shalt not duck, dive or bomb. And though shalt most certainly not heavy pet.

9) If thou art not sure how to get off an escalator, or where to stand, thou shalt not get on it.

10) Thou shalt not wear darke glasses underground. Ye nobs.

With thanks to Fridaycities. (If anyone would like an invite to the site, hit me up via email or homunculus and I shall be as obliging as I am able).